Well, fuck. Well, duh. Trying not to spiral. Trying not to indulge my fatalistic tendencies.
Recently when I’ve had a food reaction I’ve been just throwing it all against the wall. For some reason I’m reacting to trout now. I only eat it once per week and weigh my portions to appease the leaky gut, but regardless it has been rejecting. The suicidal depression that occurs during a reaction has been gaining momentum. I’m so tired of this. So tired of struggling and not being able to eat and being so excluded from life due to the food I can’t eat and the energy I don’t have and the pain the pain the pain. So when that voice says “FUCK IT! We’re already in pain / reacting to the trout! Why not eat a bunch of dates and bananas!” I’ve been indulging. This is of course the dumbest thing I could possibly do. It makes the reaction pain that much worse and now I’m realizing, DUH, it’s feeding the Lyme bacteria. (Not to mention, according to my docs, qualifies as self-harm.)
So I’m now no longer in remission.
I was back in the ER last week with blinding arthritis in my right ankle / toes. Now the pain seems to be sticking mostly to my fingers/hands. I wake up in the middle of the night barely able to bend them and unable to fall back asleep because of the pain. Old, familiar shooting pains in my arms. The headaches. That deep ache in my bones.
Guess I’ve learned the hard way that no matter how much I (HOPEFULLY) eventually heal my stomach, I will NEVER be able to eat anything remotely sweet ever again. That goddamn bacteria will always be there and it will always go apeshit when fed the sweets it loves.
I’m getting so tired of fighting. Sometimes this feels like quicksand I’m never going to escape.
I'm sorry to contact you over Facebook, but I saw your fundraising page about FMT and wondered if it was helpful for you. I've been experiencing the exact same problems, been to a million doctors, and I'm just getting sicker. I have crazy food intolerances, and now even chemical and environmental intolerances. If you have a chance, can you write back with information about your experience - was it helpful? What doctor did you use? Thanks for your help!
I’m so sorry to hear about your illness. I know how much of a struggle it makes every. single. aspect of your life. I get this question a lot, so here’s my most recent response